5700
another day but nothing new
I’m still crying over losing you
maybe not visibly, but my heart still can’t take the truth
i still remember the last day i saw ya face
It’s been so long but seems like yesterday and i can’t erase
the image, the pain, the feeling that I’m insane
i love you so much, the depth of this feeling i can’t even explain
the placement of blame, i put on myself
for ruining your life, for making a decision based solely on myself
i said i was doing this for you, i said it’d be better this way
i didn’t think you could be happy if i let you stay
so i made the decision and you had no say
now all of the apologies in the world could never make it ok
i couldn't handle the thought of you
i always wondered if you’d be able to handle the truth
i wouldn’t be able to keep it from you past your youth
all of the hypotheticals, i played in my mind
over and over, but i couldn’t escape the bind
i had 2 options and they both seemed impossible
until the day i did what i never thought was possible
i took your life, i said you had to go
i sent you to be with your heavenly father
because your earthly one was just a stranger that didn’t listen to “no”
he took something from me that night, that i never got back
and he also gave me you, but i threw you right back
i couldn’t fathom or come close to accept your life as a fact
so i did my best to erase it, before anyone knew
and everyday since i wake up wishing it wasn’t true
praying i could bring you back, praying i could construe
how this is my reality, and how to get through
how to move on and how to ask you
for forgiveness one day, if we ever get to meet
it’s been 11 years and i still feel incomplete
i wonder what you’d look like, i wonder how you’d be
i wonder if we’d argue or if you’d think just like me
i wonder if i’ll ever forgive myself, i wonder if i’ll ever be free
from the hold this has had over me since 2003
how can i feel something so strong for someone i didn’t even know
no one would ever know it from the ways i never let it show
because I’ve kept this secret inside for too long but now i have to let it go
i will always love you my child, more than you could ever know
and i can’t even tell you how sorry i am for never giving you the chance to know
this world, this life, your mother, who’s so trife
for being a coward, and for doing the unthinkable
because baby, you are all i think of. God bless my child.
