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Life has a funny way of leading you.
I thought as I sat back and reviewed
All the events that took place in my life that moment
How I'm divorced, pregnant, and felt alone and unwanted.
Wait for god...they say...he will show you the way I talked with him but I tend to get frustrated by the day
When I receive no response or vision of what to do Or even why I realized I wanted you...
A man who is the father of my kid.
Very kind and tall and honestly I admit I feel as if it doesn't fit
Quiet right to want him...i blame the hormones because that is what it has to be
The real reason why me ME of all people wish that I was good enough
for once I even made excuses like I only like the idea of him not him a bunch...
No no that impossible as a divorcee
I failed in one marriage and now pregnant who says that love is even for me....
I may be losing my house since abandoned a year ago
By a man before I loved but he let me go
I wasn't worth it to him and I took all the blame.
Then during the separation tried to stay sane
And optimistic dating and trying again for love
And once again got used bc I wasn't worth it when I thought I was.
So then I met this guy who is kind and near me.
But afraid of commitment we sat and agreed
This is not a relationship...from my own mouth.
He will just use me like the others no doubt.
So a relationship very sinful started and went well.
No connections other then friendship and then near farewells.
Then I started to fall bc I noticed the difference
He was kind and cared and talked to me realistic.
He checked on me, cuddled, watched movies, and took me out.
I sat thinking friendships...not thinking future or about
How sweet he acted, I don't even remember when I fell.
I just knew that when I did, it wouldn't end well...
Then I found myself pregnant by that very man
I panicked, cursed, cried thought if I ran
I sure can Escape and never tell and he won't care...
He won't, I know he won't, he is like the others I swear.
He won't care at all
He will be disgusted I'll never hear from him again I am not worth it.
My ex husband proved that
And so did a followed ex.
So why would this guy be different I am clearly not worth it.
I told him... Expecting nothing but something dim.
He said he would try and nothing changed clearly
But why do I feel weary
Why be around me when it's clear you don't like me?
Why even deal with a child that shouldn't even be?
You have no ties to me but a friendship...
Please don't say its because you pity me...don't say it.
Why are you here and why the heck do I like you?
Why when I ask God I get no answers or view?
Why did I get pregnant and I never could before?
It tortures me as I keep thinking about it more and more.
Why do I feel like I am at the point where I have just freaking given up?
....and all a voice can keep saying is it's not what YOU want.
