I'm ashamed of myself (shoot me)

I am so messed up in the head that I consul myself to keep me from loosing anymore of my sanity that I have left I know that last sentence didn't make since but in due time you'll get it listen this is not a poem this is not a lash out and this isn't a pity party I just want to share a little of what I'm going threw as of right now here goes everything so I found out my oldest brother is having two twin daughters making him the father of four kids he threaten to kill our mom and our other brother and he is somewhere out in the world just lost a long time ago I was asked to be the step father and gladly accepted the position he choose me for a reason and now I'm starting to see why my second oldest brother has to twin boys who just can't seem to keep himself out of trouble mentally he isn't all there so naturally this causes problems that can't be resolved as fast as we would like and as for me I'm having a daughter on the way and by the way I lie and I cheat it's gotten so bad that I don't know if I have any emotions anymore most of my facial expressions are blank most of my emotions are blank as if I can't feel nothing I don't understand how I have or (had) someone who loves me genuinely and I betray them on more than one occasion but I'm real quicc to get jealous and mad once they start talking to someone elsw smh I'm so selfish not to mention I don't have a job I don't go to school i have no money saved up but got the nerves to be walking around Moreno Valley like I got it like that and to look that on my own flash and blood because they too are struggling I'm the biggest hypocrite in the world right now p.s. it gets 100x worst I just don't want to expose anymore than I've already have