I am Hurt

CATEGORY

first love

I must say that being a step mother is one of the most heart breaking moments on my mind...U see i have no children & when i first met him he was 17 with no children neither. We held long conversations about our future and our Kids down to imaging the details of who would have whos features, thinkin of 1st, middle & last names so must i be privileged enough to say that I AM HURT; I am hurt because although she looks nothing like him she looks so much like HER, yes her with him, I AM HURT.... Promises were made our love moved us 2 seperate ways now im like damn im 3hrs away but i promise to never forget yo mamas phone number in my heart it will always stay. I AM HURT.... I believed we would always be from the 1st conversation it was insant chemistry. Maybe it was cause we were two lost souls looking for a purpose, lookin for an answer, looking for just someone who understood romance was in every detail of the tone of voice even if it moved much faster. Sure i wasnt the perfect girl but i was his perfect world he was my perfect guy but where was I. Nobody knew my name nobody knew a thing but i knew about his mama, brothers and sisters and even the nieces and nephews & must i not forget every homie on the block... i knew his emotions, the frustrations, the anger, the hurt...i listened to his prayers & hell on some of those nights i was the reason behind his cries. See, He wanted to save me but at the time i was so blind and for him it wasnt the right time...we were living life getting older only to find out those promises were not as easy as they seemed; hell when i 1st met him i was only 14 still living with my mama just a baby growning in my teens! But see those are where the best yet worst memories come from and because he knew so much that was the reason i dialed his mama phone just to keep in touch. Understand this is NOT about what i was suppose to be to him but rather yet who i really am to him... yall dont know me but he does. It took a whole year before we actually met in person and within that 1st 2 months of not seeing each other physically...well, we made a bet who would fall in love with who 1st....and see because i didnt wanna loose i made him say it 1st; just so i could feel those butterflies long enough to say it back and wonder when would i ever feel his touch...  8 years later we finally fukd and all i was hoping was it wasnt just one of those things since we were both going thru another bad break up...not knowing when id be leaving again he wanted to feel my touch and i...well i just wanted to bust a quick nut now wait a minute dont be so quick to judge after all this is the same man im telling yall ive always loved....he always said i was going to be his wife and im thinking abbout how i just spent every day of my life talking to this voice ive been in love with for years and never even knew the size of his , the moisture of his lips and hell the rhythm of his hips and at the same time all i kept replaying in my head was this house and a baby; this ni66uh playing house with this bytchh no im pissed cuz after all this bullshytt i never thought i could hurt so much, honestly all this time i never understood why he was hurting so much! But see none of that even matters cuz he was doing exactly what i was doing living life because he wasnt next to me because he was tired of waiting not wanting to be lonely! He moved her out just to move me in &  again all thats replaying in the back of my head is a baby and a bed that we got all black pillow cases and sheets to but that happens to be the same place she rested her head too, cleaning out a room full of her and her kids shytt seeing hella pregancy test on the floor like damnnn was it a planned pregnancy but again im also thinking none of this even matters he was doing exactly what i was doing living life because he wasnt next to me, tired of waiting and not wanting to be lonely so i kinda understand. This was NOT my plan but i also know it would have never been exactly like how we planned because then it would have been too perfect and with that being said im so happy that you have kept your promise & made me your wife because without the experiances we probably wouldnt have lasted this long, without the experiance i wouldnt know how to be a loving wife and without the experiance our daughter wouldnt be born today & look u were right she took more of your features; so im happy she looks similar to you it means she has a heart filled with gold and although she is not mine by blood which is the only part that still hurts, she will always be mine because she also carries your heart! My mother told me something that opened my eyes; she said relax Nya after all she just might be your blessing....what if i was unable, what if i couldnt give, then that must mean shes the seed that was sent just so i can be involved to help teach her like a teacher all the ways a woman can fall; but most importantly all the ways a woman must rise! But Lets go back to the what ifs, what if i am able, what if i can give.... then that must mean it took 1+1 to create 2 love you and 2+2 created 4 love is with us. Who knows what the future may bring, all this time who knew that id be laying right next to the person who was once just a voice on the other end of the phone that i trusted with all my guts hoping he wasnt just some sick pervert looking for a freaky young slut to ***. I found comfort in my words never biting my tounge, never finding it hard to say what i had to say, feeling free to be me & a chance to believe that everything he said was not just every girls fairytale dream but a reality i wanted just with him! This is part 1 of my thank you note; a remainder for when times get hard to always remember how far we came and how long we waited just to be here today and on that note i must say it is truly a blessing to be standing right here today.  Lady Nya the Queen 👑