blame game

the strength of manipulation weighs me down.

in the back of my pretty little mind, i know but once im front and center in this situation, i neglect what i should acknowledge.

i sit and try to figure out what exactly am i doing wrong.

what can i do to make it right

it starts with me but it ends with him.

my free speaking mind drove him to devalue my being.

all i wanted was for him to love me.

all i wanted was to be protected.

to be respected.

but that's just to much to ask for.

i refuse to let him self destruct.

but somehow..i end up destructed.

i end up messed up while he's out having fun.

i end up crying while he's out laughing.

his laugh is blissful.

his smile is endless.

my pain run deeps.

i roll on a river full of tears i cried yesterday and try to find my way through this torture.

do i blame him?

or do i blame myself?

he caused the pain but i allowed him to cause it.

yet he's happy, healthy and free so i guess nothing i did affected him.

but it affected me.

badly.

sadly.

God please help me.