Lost Life

I find myself thinking about that dreadful day,
It's something you can not forgive yourself for, even after what you paid. 
I'd never thought I would do it, it felt like just pretend.
That day was as real as it comes, don't know how to make ammends. 
I get to wondering how life would be,
How life would be if I had my baby to oversee. 
Sometimes I regret it, Sometimes I feel I did the right thing, 
Can't help that my decision drives me insane. 
I know when I am ready, I'll appreciate my decision,
Right now it has just become a huge incision. 
All I can think is what they would of been. 
A boy? A girl? Can we just pretend?
If she was a girl would she have my smile? Would she have my laugh?
If she was a spitting image of me all I would do is grasp. 
What if it was a boy? How would he look? 
Would he be smart and tall, and keep his head in the books.
I can see my vision clearly, I know what I wanted it to be.
Just a healthy little thing that would most definitely look like me. 
I made a choice because I couldnt deal with baggage,
Because I chose death does that make me a savage?
There are so many other options that would of been good,
I guess thats the selfish part of love when you don't do what you should.
I ask for forgiveness, I seek a second chance. 
I know next time I will not be in a trance.