ABSOLUTE

today I went to the red river for the first time since you left, I picked up a book today for the first time in more than a year not only I picked it up but I read more than just the title and got passed the first words. I then thought to myself I think I'm healing. slowly like a dark green algae but I think I see color beyond just the darkness that consumed me. but I felt for a long time this uneasy feeling of missing out. but I realized today I am meant(for the lack of a better word) to be on this path that I am. the endless, destination-less path. the path the creator is expiring through me. these days the words that keep waking me up at dawn and that lullaby into night are this is not my experience. this is a perfectly designed "life" and is never to be comprehended by the limited physical mind. by dissecting and by trying to fix or even design it the way I desire is useless because it could never satisfy my endless humane desire. my desire or rather million desires could never add up to the divine law of life. the nothingness that I am. nothingness is what I am and thus fullness is my nature. but my day to day mundane achievements could never ascribe to the universal fullness that is inaction everyday. and so I said why suffer by fighting my nature, why suffer? why? I guess its time now to slowly and utterly destroy every last piece of my conditioned "personality" and identity and be nothing and be one with everything.  if anything I am blessed to be here today writing these words because I am now on the first stage of my destruction process awareness. I sometimes feel so sad and disappointed because I fail to act on my understandings and just preach. but I suppose that was because I didn't truly understand what I was actually saying. but I now am opening everything that I closed with my recklessness, ignorance, habits, beliefs, blame, fears, insecurities and as I do so it hurts so very much but I am absolutely sure that I will until my last breath wont stop trying to be, just be. I pray and ask the creator for strength to continue and to do. I know its possible but unaware I always get fooled by the amount of time I think I have.but now I am more aware than I have ever been aware of. And that is my power.