Inside Job

 

 

 

my struggle is to define

 

things that I do not understand

 

some things that cause me to

 

step down a level from where I stand

 

bringing me emotionally down

 

into the space I occupy

 

falling and spiraling out of control

 

of my sense of reaction

 

I stutter to utter how I am feeling

 

it is not found on the chart

 

in a state of emotional wreckage

 

still my brain is not damaged

 

the trauma is in my heart

 

can I get a me... too?

 

to cosign and agree with me?

 

is there an amen in the house?

 

am I crazy…really?

 

does anyone have an idea

 

what I am journalizing

 

I'm growing out of control

 

rooted in the same pot

 

sitting in old soil

 

feeling like a fish in a dirty bowl

 

thinking about the  deep

 

yearning to swim in the sea

 

the beating and pounding

 

of my heart  seems that

 

to my pulse there is no ending

 

sanctioned to visit

 

my past sitting

 

behind steel bars

 

reaching out to me

 

I cannot reach back

 

from general population

 

to solitary confinement

 

secluded and isolated

 

from the needed space

 

in my environment

 

edging me into early

 

retirement

 

I am…intentionally

 

 therapeutically indigenously

 

digging working tirelessly

 

on my own issues

 

and pissed off attitude

 

on white top flight 1 subject

 

standard wide rule

 

70 sheets and still counting

 

I'll be damned

 

 if the devil gets my bounty

 

the language of my anger

 

speaks fluent profanity

 

I've been told to suck it up

 

anger is poisoning

 

and I need to spit it out

 

harboring hostility

 

is much more of a killer

 

than cigarettes can... be

 

running you head first

 

into a brick wall of regrets