16000
The doors closed behind me, I was released!
I exhaled for what felt like the first time in weeks and breathed in again deep
I felt fit compared to the otheres there - I was well, compared
I forgot my misty bath salts and razors so buzzed again
returning scared, scared they would take me in again like an envelope
Fold me up, lay me down on plastic sheets, inject my butt
The food was pasty, same coloured and dull. the heat drifting from the radiators was stagnant wasn't made of sunshine
Keys turn, doors lock, windows closed shut
In case we jump - I muse
Here in the now there is a way out, a way to begin again
At yet I am starting at nothing
Suddenly food became my hero
The pressing of darkness lifted in Morleys, Spagetti with bolognase, Amlya, Puff puff and fried rice
Why did I not think twice?
My centre was fulfilled and all the nightmares of not seeing my family again, the dreaded section 2 of looming thoughts
The thoughts of physcic abilities the shamanism witch in me shamed
The me shamed, my female frame, my high brow, my brown skin and curly knots
I forgot that there is a stage, I forgot that this is London
So now year on, with work and activities going strong
And then the lady stops and says ''eh girl I didn't know you were expecting?''
I say back honestly and frank ''no I take medication, causes me to bloat''
Not I couldn;t close my mouth to fight back tears of frustration and emptiness
I couldn't close my mouth to pain
I feel again shamed to not be with husband and children
A female rising solo reaching for her own mojo
Tomorrow I tell myself I will run early like the morning wind away from rivers, dreaming into fight
All for a pair of size ten jeans
This happily is my wish
Instead of when will I see my family again.
