Die Already

I ask myself am I calm cool and collected or am l pretending to be calm cool and collected when I was a child I was good at pretending that everything okay, alright, fine good ect that's when I started building walls to keep stuff from getting to me but the thing about a wall is at some point of life you have to come out from behind it and face the world I tend to play it safe by staying away from those who upset me like some members of my family who tend to really get under my skin honestly I don't think l actually stopped pretending because in my mind they all die and I'm the one who killed them off when I look back at me as a child I'm still pretending