My sorrow...

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first love

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Well... It is totally official. French is no longer mine. Yes im sad. Yes my feelings are hurt. God why did i love that man. My Crack. I feel so lost and lonely now. The one person that was suppose to be all mine and want me is gone. My heart hurts Lord. But i can't keep crying over the same thing. That's stupid and im not stupid. But for him i play that role. But i can't continue to live that life. Lord... It's killing me. My heart and my mind is broken. I don't want to share him or walk away from him. I hate her! Yeah i don't know her but i hate her still. She took my baby away. Lord help me through this. I'm so weak right now. I miss him SO MUCH. My future and life just changed right before my eyes. And there's nothing i can do about it. That hurts so bad God. Reality is a total ugly raggy bald head crows face . Im trying my hardest Lord to be strong and not care. But i can't help it. He was suppose to be OWN Lord. Who do i have now? Nothing Real. Just fake pointless bull. God help me please. I'm having a hard time processing this. Yes im wrong. Yes i did horrible things. Yes I'm a horrible person inside. But I'm truly sorry. And i cant take it back or make you forget. Lord knows i wish i could. I didn't love you right when i should have. That's my fault. I should have came home when you was calling missing me. Now i long for that desire in you for me. I miss you wanting me so bad. I wish you was the man you needed to be. That's your fault. But now it's too late. By foundation is gone. I wanted him to love me so bad and i still do. But he not mine anymore. I'm just a joke now. Something he play with. His mind is hers. She got him now. LORD. WHY. Karma?. Yes this is what i deserve. But i can't deal with it Lord. It eats at my soul. It consumes my mind. It breaks me. And Im dying. Overdosing on my own earned emotion. I need him Lord. He was/is my rock. Now i just float away. Feed myself on lies and sex. I want ALL of him tho Lord. He was given to ME. I thought. But i was wrong. I lost him and he ran. Now i cry. What do i do God? How do i make it stop? Who will love and want me now? Now... I am a nobody. Part of the rejected. Not good enough. Not wanted. Not loved. Not special. Just a plain boring crazy lame basic desperate lonely pointless broke dumb girl. Who is NEVER good enough. Who messes everything up that i touch. I am shamed. And the thought/idea of not having HIM as mine is driving me crazy. Literally. I don't want nobody else to have him. That's killing me Jesus. Please help me. I'm trying my best not to cry. But it's not working. Im so emotional. My soul is crying out loud. I can't control it. Help me Lord. Im breaking again. Why? He is not worth any of this emotion. He is not worthy of ME anyway. But i want him to love and want me so bad. I'm sick. Please heal me God. Heal my heart. Heal my mind. Show me a new way. Show me a new life. Don't let me kill myself. Physically or Mentally. But im drowning in a sea of my emotions. Help me to catch my breath Lord. I need to be free. Free my soul and teach me how to let go. Because now i have to... even if i don't want to.