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Hmmm…I don’t know man shhh I swear it feels like I’m in debt to the world. You know? I hate feeling like this. one moment I’m on stop of the world but seconds later I’m discourage all over again poetry doesn’t even sooth my heart like it used to. Depression and darkness go hand and hand it seems to manifest its self-inside me whenever I’m by myself hmm…that’s interesting. I listen to artist like (sza)
(Lil Wayne) (Future) (Kendrick Lamar) and (drake) because they all seem to fit the certain moods I be in I can’t help but wonder what are they doing that I’m not nah that’s a bit to cheesy of a question it’s crazy. when I think about all things that’s been happening In my life and what I’ve been going threw I have a beautiful 3month old daughter and can’t even provide for her (right now) an people steady making petty comments and side remarks regarding me going into to the army or not I shake my head sometimes knowingly no one is proud of me I’m not even proud of me I mean what is there to be proud of? I think the most embarrassing thing is I’ve only ever had one job and I only got hired because it was a warehouse job plus it was only seasonal so you know it didn’t last long. I’ve had job interviews at BestBuy taco bell, arbuys, family dollar, dollar tree, 5guys, and never once got hired for any of the positions I applied for because they were either filled or I just didn’t qualify maybe I had something to do with skin color too. I don’t know. You know? I feel like I have this giant pent up tear in my heart I haven’t cried in a while but I have a feeling that if I let it all out that the tears falling from my eyes would render me blind. I have a kind heart I really do what but should I do? I wish I had my daughter in my arms high key I’m already a terrible farther I have nothing to offer my daughter but the love and kindness in my heart and even that’s tainted. My umm grandma looks at me with disappointment everyday but tries not to show it. every day she thinks I’m not doing anything but she never takes the time to actually look at what I’ve been doing or trying to do there is no such thing as A for effort on this is side everyday she preaches about me wanting a career and not a job but at the same time telling me to get a job so I can do a little something for the holidays for my daughter if I didn’t know any better I says she’s bipolar. That’s just a joke don’t take that to heart. I applied to eight jobs yesterday and two today I even called they all say the same thing though but at least they are nice about it I always get to speak to the mangers and I never wait long either so it fills me with hope kind of. I still want to go into the army I just don’t want fail another practice test I’ve already failed twice if I fail another again I’ll have to wait to take all over again plus I still have to lose weight I don’t get why it’s such a hard task for me to complete I don’t eat nearly as much as I use to and I work out every day. My apologies for venting but thank you for listening
