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What love is this?
What…love…is this?
I fear this type of love
It shakes me to the core
Freezes my thoughts, and breaks my heart every time it crosses my mind
I just wish you understood
That whenever I close my eyes nightmares that I do not want to welcome, walks right in and make themselves at home
Voices of anger echoing inside of my head like a mass choir in a cathedral church
Taunting me endlessly
As I listen to my heart break
While it weeps an endless river of tears
Mama never told me about this type of love, and daddy never had a chance to teach me how to handle these troubled times
Even the Lord up above I fear has muted my tone so these words that I type…I could never speak out loud
No one will listen
They refuse to believe my truth
When you touch me my body becomes weak
Hesitant and scared to say that I love you too
Because seeing how tomorrow may not ever come
I say it to myself and hope that you mistaken my lie as truth... and allow me to welcome a new day intact
I am used… an object to fulfill your personal needs
Since my no’s mean yes and my yes means that I am lying and so therefore I am no longer able to be trusted
The only time I matter is when I no longer wish to remain in your presence
You had me bound by your threats and your intimation
You even watched me quietly slit my wrists and watched in awe as the imaginary blood flow freely from underneath my skin
Neglecting myself, sentencing myself to an eternality of torture
I allowed my respect to be placed on the back burner
Brought shame upon myself when I choose to discontinue building the love that I once had for myself
I look into your eyes and see a stranger reflecting back at me
His head is lowered, and his body is slumped…as he whispers that I do not know me anymore
He begins to buckle under the stresses of what once was
And what should be and what we could have possibly been
Yet will not ever be
I’d rather take that bullet you offered me through my head
Then remain bound to someone who cannot possibly love me
