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I thought about you for a short time today
Requesting to make contact with you
Didn't go without resistance, pain and a few
Other emotions coming along for the ride.
I didn't want a reply from you because
I knew it would require another from me
As long as your name wasn't mentioned
I was fine.
I didn't want to do it,
But rather than hurting him,
I'd take a hit for the team.
And within understanding your situation,
My heart let its guard down
And in that instance, I felt myself
Missing you and being angry with you
And myself all over again.
The good has once again won over the bad.
Over and over again thoughts of what I'd say
To you run ramp-id through my mind.
I can see myself actually playing out the
Entire scene like an actor on a movie set.
And cut!! It's over
The scene fades to black and I'm back
In the present time getting on with my day.
I can't change who I am.
I've tried before but it didn't last long
So I gave up on trying to change myself.
I was only allowed to see what could've been.
After a while you just give up and say f*ck it.
I'll just take from life whatever it gives me
And be satisfied with that.
Ceasing most communication with others.
Staying in touch with only the ones who matter.
The ones who want to be a part of your life.
So whomever chooses to leave, fine. Go.
No hard feelings, no chasing after them,
No nothing.
They'll need something sooner or later and
Depending upon how I feel, my decision may
Or may not change.
Such is life.
By Juanita J. Smalls ©6/16
