S.U.I.C.I.D.E.

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just different

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amongst the window pane I bear witness to life's new chapter as the day unfolds, and yet I am still reading its previous chapter. searching for subliminal clues to mysteries unsolvable for they already transpired 24 hours ago, I begin to formulate senseless "what ifs" wondering if the outcome could've been different, Or what would've happened if I changed the outcome. I then take a journey to weeks prior, reliving each unfortunate events, diving deeper into my world as the years of shame unfold, I rebuke the good times or the lack thereof. Confusion muddle my already muddled thoughts as I speak in tongue, so I grab a pen and pad to decipher this unknown language. "God if you see this tell me why am I like this!" I say. "Why must life joys turn into the hardest grievances? Why must I suffer when You and I both know I do not belong here? Am I not worthy? Days feel like weeks of autopilot as weeks blends into months of a false narrative. What more can I lose?" I end my rant for God is not the blame. A desire to greet him in person, Just to hear him say I tried. You gave it your best shot, now pick up that gun and end it. I'll embrace you as promised. I'll still love you wholeheartedly as the gnashing of teeth serenades your dull senses... The phone rings. Unknowingly I pick up to receive its last wishes. "aye bro you good? I just had a strange feeling and had to call you. When I finish handling the lil thing I got going on I'll swing through so we can hop on the sticks. I been practicing so be ready to lose! I'll see you in like 30 minutes." amongst the window pane I bear witness to life's new chapter. Saved from damnation the clutches of death times two releases its hold in fear. My shoulders are burdened no longer as I drop my harbinger. Tears softly kisses my cheek. Words of familiarity breathes renewal. upon my knees I whisper a simple "Thank You."