Unequipped

Facades

Speaks growth daily while actively devolving feels performative.

Pragmatic advice ...

Stoic quotes...

Having halted the maintenance on my soul feels ... performative. 

How dare I do to someone else what once was done to me...

How dare I ignore the cracks while constructing new rooms in my heart. 

Nothing breads disdain like being made responsible for another's emotional state. 

Nothing weighs down like having to carry another's chaos.

Spewing "go within" rhetoric while actively being controlled by bad thoughts feels oddly close to becoming a walking tomb. 

I sincerely apologize to the version of myself I'd have been today had I not abandoned my work on my internal,

I laid down my chisel and walked away from my works. 

Abandoned post... 

Faith without works is DEAD...

How can I become that which I desp...

Echoes

Mildly ugly disposition

Flat footed stance

feeling as if I were an echo....

A reverberation of depth I could only ever aspire too.

Echoes of my mothers heartbeat, 

Echoes of the magic she pulled from her being to imagine me into existence,

Echoes of my father's deepest fears and most gruesome acts,

Echoes of the self love he could never truly embrace.

An unhinged vibration of The Creators truest compassions,

An unbridled reverberation of wild faith...

Echos of the version of myself that is to ugly to unleash upon this world.

Echoes of my maternal grandmother's helplessness, 

Echoes of the pain she swallowed...

Echoes of the fear she crushed beneath her feet,

An echo of the types of freedom she would never know as a girl child born to a callous hearted man. 

An echo of divinity,

An echo of my ancestra...

Diagnosed

Rancid feelings,

Expired emotions,

Putrid thoughts...

Evaded sleep,

No sleep ,

        Never really slept...

One of the many things I've never really done well enough. 

Another ?? 

        Not saying the hard things...

        Not showing the ugly.

Inconsollible...

Uncontrollable...

Insufferably insufferable.

Harsh words,

         To lash out... 

One of the many things I have always done all to well.

Another ?? 

Diagnosis.

Now I cant help but look back... 

Love forged in hardship.

Rage forged in pain.

Tears dropped in disdain...

Frets and fears falling - covering me like rain.

Drop 

     By 

 ...

Currency

One thing I have realized in my little blink of existence...

Pain is a currency just like legal tender of every kind. 

We spend these little blips of existence exchanging it for the things that make our human condition bearable. 

Pain cashed in for love.

Pain traded for respect.

Pain exchanged for the illusion of accomplishment.

We cash in small ... many times large dosses of pain...

Instead of selling our souls for what small reprieves of pleasure we can pry from LIFES cold placid grip. 

Ridges to My Edges

I seem to have a way about myself.

I've always been more do-er; les sayer.

I sometimes am soft, but most times solid. 

I touch things hard then hendle them gently.

There is always been a certain amount of ruckus in my soul...

I stomp hard...

                jump down abruptly.

My brain is speratic... 

                 fixating... easily focused; all while quick and expansive always thursty to know the inner workings of another something.

Rowdy like a boy child. 

But with a fools heart. 

A love born daughter with sturdy legs and excitement in my bones. 

A heaving chest coupled with quick feet... 

               quicker temper ... 

            ...

But it Feels Like ...

Cutting loss,

Counting costs,

Seeing your wounds are sovering even if you will never see mine.

For everything I dislike about you there are ten more I love.

Creating boundaries feels like watching you give up on yourself. 

Its like I can see your brokeness infused in your mentallity...

Seeping out in every other word ...

I think its ***ed up (to you) how I shrank myself to fit in your space ... Dishonest maybe ?

It cant be fair that I cardon off little pieces of me ... the parts I dont trust you with.

Even though I didnt give you a chance to prove yourself trustworthy.

Sometimes your ego brushes up against mine leaving scrapes and scratches.

Yet still I am drawn to you ?

Yet still your chest is my favorite place to sleep ??

Yet still you posess power to disarm me with such ease ???

But it feels like a self betrayal ...

The sile...

Melancholy

I can feel my sadness coming down,

banished her to the snowy peaks of my souls mountain for so long.

I can hear my rage coming in, 

She's been resting in the cool depths of my spirits ocean for what seems like a lifetime. 

I can smell my depression lurking about,

He's been trapped under my hearts foot stool many a day and many a night. 

Awakening with leaky eyes,

Never been more dissapointed by the suns presence.

Anticipation of eternal sleep...

The desire to run head first into eternal peace...

Perpetual exhaustion, 

Striving through the hardships used to being the "strong woman",

Smilling through the sadness for its been my most constant companion, 

Knowing that you are the sibling who single handedly disgraced your fathers legacy. 

Killing yourself to uphold your mothers pristine re...

Nonchalant

A heart that drifts in an ocean of your indifference.

Desiring to love you unconditionally,

with a heart that betrays.

Softest intentions,

conveyed in harsh words.

Purest of wishes,

toppling out as contrary ways.

Graceful creatures...

who both love so clumsily.

We; Two

Playing with my Heart,

Toying with my mind,

Running game on me that I once ran on another,

Ive never seen two s so in love with the idea of another loving them to much.

Vain ;vain ;vapid little beta fish circling one another in the bow. 

A couple of attention whores battling for the others undivided attention.

Frustrated that you cant control me,

Appalled that I cant sway you,

I just want to be worshipped like the piece of God that I am...

I just want to worship you like the piece of God that you could be...

Id have given you all you needed if only you could have learned how to love me. 

"Have your ice cream and your cake too" 

If you'd kown how to do so.

We'd both have had rocky road...

Im used to getting my way... 

Your used to being the way... the light... the truth...

But there is ...

The Immaculate Conception of a Most Greatful Soul

I ws concieved at the foot of the universe by the ters, prayers, drems and desires of a woman who was told she'd never bare children.

I was formed in my mothers belly from sheer faith and love...

She made offerings os obedience and good deeds as payments for the seed of me...

I was carried under the heart of a broken spirit whom sought the true love she never seemed to recieve untill meetisng my father.

I rested on the bladder of a woma who birthed her own best friends...

I suckled at the teet of a soul who rarely basked in the light she so often shined into the world...

I was guided up by a bring who looked at my mistakes and saw the likeness of her own face.

I was created by a kind spirit who allowed me to be however strane or different as i needed to be in any given moment...

I was loved by a little lady who understood and guided my anger ingto passion and determination,

I see her smi...