12100
1
I thought that I had reached the end
Slammed into that unbreakable wall and had nothing more to say.
Maybe it was the depression that got to me
That final I love you that never ever came into fruition
The love that I wish that I could shower myself with each and everyday..
I sat Indian crossed in the middle of a rundown house
Polluted my lungs with dust mites, mold, and cobwebs..
Gazing at myself with this razor at my wrist
Wanting to end it all
You never know how alone you are until you have finally been alone
When there are no more needles to drop
And no more sunshine to to be seen
The only thing that is left is faith…and despair
Can no doctors tell me how I am feeling right now
Place me in a patted room with my own thoughts and think that they cannot seep through these man made walls and attach themselves to the weak minds of the lost and fallen
Corrupting them…as the false prophets do every Sunday at 9 o’clock in the morning.
I would be lying if I did not say that my head wasn’t hurting
That my mind is warped and my heart is broken
That I am just as distorted as my writings…that I feel that I have lost everything.
But that was before I realized that I never had anything
I came with nothing
These hands were innocent, my mind was at one point a blank canvas
This tongue knew nothing so nothing was ever said
My eyes which used to be blind could not see the reality of things so therefore there were no enemies to be seen
I couldn’t even interpret anything
If I cut these wrists this will be the end
The pain will stop, the confusion will finally disappear
I could give all that I got, and finally revert back to nothing
Just another someone that everybody has forgotten…
I am no Maya Angelou…Nelson Mandela was not my mentor
I had no reason to share my thoughts and my feelings nor did I expect my writing to become anything other than a collection of words that were only meant for my own eyes
A reminder of how messed up I really am
But that is okay…
If I stood on a corner dressed in all blue with a mask on my face
Covered with words that made no sense to the norm, yet perfect sense to the impaired
Surrounded myself with signs, images and works of art that showed the world what I see with these brown, blue, gray, hazel, black, multi-colored eyes that has seen the best and also the worse
Would the norm start to understand?
Would they sit with me and talk to me, discover their own truth?
I hurt, I hurt, I hurt, I hurt and cry, yell, bang hands into the ground, stump my feet and slam my knees into the pavement
I scream…beg….I even try to ask for help
But no one sees this…it is all just a joke.
I am just seeking attention…
If I had a billion arms I would hug you and tell you that you were never alone
If I had a billion caring hearts and listening ears I would listen to all of your pain and convert it into something amazing
If I only had the chance to catch you before you fell…maybe you would have still been here this day
I feel like I have failed you…you felt that no one loved you yet love was always there
Trailing behind you like a puppy trying to catch up to its mother.
I thought that I had reached the end
Slammed my head up against that unbreakable wall
I thought that I had written my last and final words to the world
But here I sit…staring into your eyes…while removing the razor from your hands…
If you struggle then… I shall struggle as well
We can cry and cry until there are no more tears to bare
As long as you know…that as long as I am here.
Somebody cares
