glimpse of hope

The last 4 days. For the first time in a long time. My heart wasn't constantly hurting. For once i didn't feel completely broken. Completely helpless...I felt peace that was completely unspoken. Just a feeling in my heart regardless of what was spoken. The kind of peace that makes all the broken pieces and pain seem insignificant because of my God. My God, healer of all. All knowing, all powerful, merciful and loving. He deals with it all and somehow we constantly underestimate His power, healer of all. As if my pain is too deep. My problems too complicated. For me to just trust and take the leap. As if I am completely unrelated to Him or anything having to do with His will. I forget that not only am I related to Him but created by Him and for Him to do His will not mine. Regardless of what's related to my heart, I gotta do what's on His mind and constantly be in prayer to find answers to my questions that only He can answer. Because He is the beginning and the end. If He were the question He'd also be the answer. Because He is everything. So then why do I so often treat Him like a cancer. Knowing He's always there but trying to just continue to live my life on my terms. Like I can just ignore Him now and not ultimately burn. Like no God wait, not yet, it's not Your turn. To be #1 in my heart. #1 in my life. I'll give you everything I'm comfortable with, but I won't give you my my entire life. My entire world. Everything in my heart. But I'll make some room and give you a little part. Hopefully that'll be enough. So that I don't have to sacrifice it all for you. Even though You did it for me. I'm not there yet, can't you see? I can't love you the way you love me. But I'm trying Lord. Please don't give up on me. Don't let me be. Don't let me run from you. I need to be set free. From the devil and all of his lies. All of his bull. These are my cries. This is how I express. What I can never say. You already know that though. Even though I can barely pray. Whatever it is Lord. Let your will be done at the end of the day.