anguish

It happened. It all happened. And I just went numb. Defense mechanisms that wouldn't let my emotions succumb to the true pain and multitude of feelings that would emerge from this series of dealings with people who didn't set out to hurt me but still so viciously dirtied what I once thought was so pure, so full of life and love, feels like it came from the angel above that fell beneath and now lives among heathens, constantly battling for our souls, never giving up never letting go but somehow still breathing, I won't be eternally defeated, I won't be concreted into something I hate, I won't let this hate in my heart become innate, I'm constantly battling something I don't feel ready to face, so I turn around but it's still in my face, there's no hiding, nothing I can do to erase, the memories and pain that were so aggressively placed, upon me, and now I find myself searching for just a trace, of hope and purpose every day. There is purpose in my pain. Just like there was life in His. Christ didn't die in vain. Even though some think He did. I will live my life to prove otherwise. Allow people to see His strength thru my weakness. Allow Him to speak thru my eyes. Allow Him to teach me meekness. Allow Him to show me truth over lies. Allow Him to hear my cries and use my pain for His purpose. Allow Him to use my life to show someone else that Jesus is worth it. Lord save me. Use me. Don’t let them continue to abuse me. Unless its your will. I will pray for You to sooth me. But You know whats best. You will give me rest. When rest is due. But in the meantime i will press on and look forward to resting in You as Your blessings ensue. Lord please dont ever stop pursuing, me.