Self I Blame

CATEGORY

life

Damnn, my mind seems as if its empty soon as i decide i want to write. My thoughts are plenty and running wild, so heavy it's like just to write what i think has now become a fight. I grab a pen and an old pad but no ink is leaking...damn, i cant focus because there is so much i want to verbally explain that no one ever seems to notice. IVE BEEN.... Hypnotized, victimized, better yet diccmatized of the sexual relations that make me feel loved inside & im never realizing the pain i gain but after all...it is self I blame for misunderstanding my selfish games. Im sooo piSsed at myself because it is self i dissed, it is self i missed & it was sexual desires that i could not resist that held lust in the mist of every fucckin breath of air i inhaled (sighs)....LORD how can i repair something I at the time was not aware of ??? This is no confession, more like realization of my self worth because not only is this about my sexual desires. Must i admit there were some other issues prior within my self situations, frustrations, humiliations, and a few of my lacking strips for motivation. Not everything is fuccked up within but it damnn near feels that way when i cant even trust to have decent conversations with paper & pen. Christians act so holy telling me i need to repent and ask for forgiveness, and see im trying to find a way to just release every thought but everything is so clogged up. Bad memories from a child hood experiance changed the way i felt about my own appearance & though I've always kept myself suited and booted....just to feel beautiful someone damnn near had to prove it. I felt as if i abused the gift God blessed me with in soo many ways but if i must say it is self i blame. I sold my body for materialistic things, hoping that the body could change being broke into better days...sex gave me a better pay but i was not realizing the deepest part of me was moving astray & closer to hate. I was playing in the devils play pin with the Lords words hanging on a noose around my neck preparing me for death. I feared no evil because i know who i am now and who i was is the same woman that brung me here today! I blamed self for soo long that i didnt need repentance or ask his forgiveness because it was self who had not forgave when he already had. It was self that misunderstood that blessings are never mistakes and God only works if you meet him half way. Lady Nya the Queen 👑