Whats this feeling?

What's making me feel like this? I can't figure it out. I'm not eating, not sleeping... walking arounf with a pout. Things are falling a paart, my energy is drained, Lord I'm ready to let go, I'm being filled with pain. I try not to worry because it's a lack of faith, but the flesh is taking over. I;m just trying to be great. I'm trying not to give up, I'm just going through the motions, holding on for dear life, to the words that are spoken. His actions aren't adding up, is it just me, or is he joking? At this point I'm lost, wishing and hoping.... That he comes through in the clutch like I believe that he can. Maybe I'm expecting too much, putting too much pressure on him... forcing his hand. But I dont ask him for , at times just a shoulder to lean...he isn't even there for that, there's no damn in between! I mean whats the point in us even talking? It's not like baby girl knows him, we may as well stop it. I'm ready to let it all go, idk if he can tell. I feel like blocking his number, or pretneding my phone fell.... and broke into a million tiny pieces, so I'll have an excuse to escape. Maybe I'll go missing ofr 3 weeks liek he did, I just need to lessen my plate. Even still Lord, please shoe him mercy and grace, I feel like he's my soul mate, we just need to occupy the same space. We're too far a part, the stress is taking a toll, all this back and fourth is really getting old. We aren't even going back and fourth, it's just all one sided. I'm in a relationship with myself.....Wonder when that was decided.