Mama's Thoughts

CATEGORY

life

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Babygirl I wish you knew, how much mama cries and hurts inside for you. The moment they laid you on my chest, all I wanted to give you was the best. the best of everything and everything that I never had. most of all babygirl I wanted to give you, your mom and dad. Mama cant fix or control things, but just for your sake I wanted things to be better. mama and daddy never meant to hurt you or make you feel like you have to choose. Because I been in your shoes and know how clueless you are about the world, I feel its my duty to protect and teach as much as I can, the best I can. babygirl mama never had a family, barely remembers the last time she see seen her own mommy. mama has to work and provide a home, try to build a family and one day have a home you can call your own. mama's trust was broken at a young age, lied to, abandoned, criticized and abused. a lot of things happen to mama, I would never want to happen to you. the things that mama has seen, foster care and group homes, I wondered if my parents loved me and questioned the purpose of them birthing me. there were days and weeks your mama didn't see her mom but I wouldn't do that to you. I feel like no one understands the life I wish I could give you, even though me and your daddy are apart I know in your heart it tears you apart. I'm always reminded of how innocent you are and youre not me, I fear a lot that I'll fail you traumatically. I'm not perfect however I try, I try to keep the sparkles in your eyes. It hurts me deep, when you question me, I wish I birthed you in a better family, sometimes I blame myself for the life your living, resent the days it cant be you, me and your daddy. this society and generation accepts broken families. no one tries or expects to have a family, I feel like some women are so accepting of the babymama stereotype. the ones who try and want to have a family are looked at as naive, in denial, delusional and are looked down upon. mama never had a family, not even a dream of one but im doing my best to give you one. mama had a mama who was on drugs, her demons and struggles got the best of who she was. I barely remember her but im here for you endlessly. its hard and sometimes frustrating but you mean the world to me. babygirl as child mama's biggest fear, was having a child, she didn know how to love and raise sincere. mama knows that she is a good person but mama always questions her abilities. even tho mama works a lot to provide for us, there should be no reason you question her love. no matter what happens or mama goes through, she will always love you. These are mama's thoughts.